To my followers, I'm sorry it has been such a while since I have written. I have had this message on my heart for a little while now and have now the time to write what I feel is an important skill in every family life. My question to you is, how do you know that you are loved and appreciated in your family? For me it is when my husband organizes some special time together, like a date night/ weekend, or my kids go and do things for me without being asked (and yes, they do do it). My next question is, how do you show love? Quite often we show love in the way like to be shown love. This can get tricky when you're showing love to a particular family member and you're not getting the response you thought they would show. Maybe, just maybe they don't hear the words 'I love you' because the action you are using isn't how they feel loved or hear love.
One of the best things we started early in our marriage was to actually ask each other is what makes you feel loved and affirmed (for men)/ appreciated (for women)? We didn't just want to guess as we really didn't know exactly what it is was that makes each of us tick and because we loved each other we want to get it right not just assume!
When our kids reached a certain age we were also able to "read" them on what makes them feel loved in the family (plus the with the help from the 5 love languages for kids book). As you have found with your family, each one is so very different. Isaiah (our son who is 11) we were able to see that whenever we spoke harshly to him he would take it very personally and on the positive he loves it when we use words to encourage him. His second way he feels love is spending quality time with either Michael or myself on date nights. They have become a great way to get just a couple of hours one-on-one to see how they each are going and to speak anything particular into their life. Hannah-Rae (our daughter who is 9) is a girl who doesn't care what we are doing as long as it is together. She loved just spending quality time with either one of us. My last date night with her was that we drove down to Davistown Park with an ice cream of her choice in hand and walking up and down by the water. She came back saying that that was the best date ever!! Scored!!! Leah (our other daughter who is 7 going on 16) just loves hugs, hugs, hugs, climbing all over us, sitting on our laps, kisses and last but not least, more hugs.
Now you couldn't of asked for more differences to be in one family! The challenge is for us to every day/ week/ month/ year to keep speaking THEIR language. In the book, The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman, he breaks them down into 5 groups. They are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service. In his books he talks about primary and secondary love languages. (I have the links to this book on the links on the side of my blog under the heading "Things I like to read".) As life changes so can your love languages. I know that when my kids were little my primary love language was Acts of Services..... and all you mums with little ones say AMEN!! Now they are growing up and I don't need as much help to keep on top of things it changed to Quality Time, and I'm sure that it hasn't finished changing. So this is a subject that must be revisited periodically to make sure we are all feeling loved and accepted.
Have a think now on what your love language is, how do you know that you are loved? Now think about the rest of your family. Now book in a time to discuss it with you family, even and open forum ( if your children are old enough) so they can be apart of helping each member feel loved and a valued part of the family. I know this has help me connect with my children on times when all I was saying to them was NO all day long or a personality clash. It has brought our family closer and now I find my girls using words to encourage Isaiah and hugs to Leah and play with time for Hannah-Rae. It really does work, not only for your immediate family but also extending it to your friends to make them feel loved. They are going to feel so special!!!
We all given different gifts and different ways we hear, feel and express love. That is what makes every person and family so special. We become whole when we each find our acceptance and love in our families so we can go into the world with the knowledge that there is a family there behind us a hundred percent no matter what and we can feel, hear and see it for ourselves.
It is such an honor to share with you all and I hope that you will find this as helpful as we have that has helped us to create a loving whole family to be a light and a inspiration to those around us. In 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power , love and a sound mind." In God we can help recreate that "power, love and sound mind (peaceful mind)" by speaking their language of love to let them know how special they are to God and us. I would love to hear your thoughts on this and any other advice that you may of found that works for you and your family.
from my heart to yours,
Peta
